1. Getting mired down in details
Couscous or quinoa for dinner? House of Cards or True
Detective? Relationships are all about negotiation, but hashing out every tiny
decision can leave little room in your lives for conversations that count,
warns a relationship expert and author of Don’t Bet On the Prince. An idea: Use
a couples app like Avocado, which lets you keep running lists, chats, and
calendars that each of you can check during downtime, so you don’t feel like
you have to make a million decisions the second you finally reconnect in
person.
Detective? Relationships are all about negotiation, but hashing out every tiny
decision can leave little room in your lives for conversations that count,
warns a relationship expert and author of Don’t Bet On the Prince. An idea: Use
a couples app like Avocado, which lets you keep running lists, chats, and
calendars that each of you can check during downtime, so you don’t feel like
you have to make a million decisions the second you finally reconnect in
person.
2. Putting the kids first
Every so often, a public figure sparks a major outcry when
she admits to prioritizing her spouse above her kids, but that’s usually
because people are confused as to what exactly doing so entails. “It doesn’t
mean that your kids are second-class citizens,” says a marriage and family
therapist and author of Marriage Meetings For Lasting Love. “It’s about
recognizing a separate, vital connection between you and your spouse that is
different than the one you have with the kids.” Date nights (and s*x dates) can
keep your bond strong, but it’s equally important to present a united front
about everyday parenting decisions. “When your kids know you’re a unit, they
won’t play you off of each other, which can create friction.”
she admits to prioritizing her spouse above her kids, but that’s usually
because people are confused as to what exactly doing so entails. “It doesn’t
mean that your kids are second-class citizens,” says a marriage and family
therapist and author of Marriage Meetings For Lasting Love. “It’s about
recognizing a separate, vital connection between you and your spouse that is
different than the one you have with the kids.” Date nights (and s*x dates) can
keep your bond strong, but it’s equally important to present a united front
about everyday parenting decisions. “When your kids know you’re a unit, they
won’t play you off of each other, which can create friction.”
3. Not dreaming enough
Before marriage and kids, you likely had a pretty long list
of things you wanted to try—learn French! Climb Kilimanjaro!—but as you get
older and family life becomes more consuming, not to mention expensive, it’s easy
to shrug aside those aspirations as frivolous. Not so, say experts. “Accessing
your passions—the things that make you you—keep you self-aware, and give you
and your partner ways to connect,” says Berger. And while it might not be
feasible to jet off to Africa, getting tickets to see a visiting South African
band or buying your science-obsessed guy a yearlong membership to the museum
(instead of a tie he’ll maybe wear twice) not only keeps you both in touch with
the things that make you tick, but also provides plenty of date-night
opportunities.
of things you wanted to try—learn French! Climb Kilimanjaro!—but as you get
older and family life becomes more consuming, not to mention expensive, it’s easy
to shrug aside those aspirations as frivolous. Not so, say experts. “Accessing
your passions—the things that make you you—keep you self-aware, and give you
and your partner ways to connect,” says Berger. And while it might not be
feasible to jet off to Africa, getting tickets to see a visiting South African
band or buying your science-obsessed guy a yearlong membership to the museum
(instead of a tie he’ll maybe wear twice) not only keeps you both in touch with
the things that make you tick, but also provides plenty of date-night
opportunities.
4. Being Mrs. Fix It
“So many of my female clients are experts at pointing out
problems to their husbands, but they never involve their guys in the solution,”
says Berger. Not only that, but always telling your guy what’s wrong—”We’re so
behind on our tax paperwork” or “Why don’t we have summer vacation plans
yet?”—doesn’t exactly leave him dying to help out. Instead, frame the issue as
a puzzle you need his help solving. “It lets him feel indispensible, which is
appealing,” says Carle. It may sound like ego-stroking, but saying something
like, “You’re the Expedia wizard, and I think your skills and a bottle of wine
on Tuesday night would be a great way to get the vacation plans sorted” will
get the job done. Plus, that experience will likely be a whole lot more fun
than nagging the deed out of him.
problems to their husbands, but they never involve their guys in the solution,”
says Berger. Not only that, but always telling your guy what’s wrong—”We’re so
behind on our tax paperwork” or “Why don’t we have summer vacation plans
yet?”—doesn’t exactly leave him dying to help out. Instead, frame the issue as
a puzzle you need his help solving. “It lets him feel indispensible, which is
appealing,” says Carle. It may sound like ego-stroking, but saying something
like, “You’re the Expedia wizard, and I think your skills and a bottle of wine
on Tuesday night would be a great way to get the vacation plans sorted” will
get the job done. Plus, that experience will likely be a whole lot more fun
than nagging the deed out of him.
5. Ignoring a rough patch
Soldiering on can be more detrimental to your marriage than
simply admitting things aren’t working as well as they should be. If a new work
project has him overwhelmed, leading to late nights and less-than-stellar
moods, you may be inclined to keep quiet for fear of piling on more pressure.
But that will only lead to withdrawal on your end and confusion on his. Start
by telling him how you feel, and focus on feasible solutions, says Berger.
Maybe it’s inviting your parents over for a week to help with the kids, or
clearing a weekend to hang out together. If that doesn’t do it, a few therapy
sessions may. “A lot of couples only seek counseling when a relationship is in
serious trouble, but it can be hugely helpful when most things are going well,
but you need some help in one area,” says Berger.
simply admitting things aren’t working as well as they should be. If a new work
project has him overwhelmed, leading to late nights and less-than-stellar
moods, you may be inclined to keep quiet for fear of piling on more pressure.
But that will only lead to withdrawal on your end and confusion on his. Start
by telling him how you feel, and focus on feasible solutions, says Berger.
Maybe it’s inviting your parents over for a week to help with the kids, or
clearing a weekend to hang out together. If that doesn’t do it, a few therapy
sessions may. “A lot of couples only seek counseling when a relationship is in
serious trouble, but it can be hugely helpful when most things are going well,
but you need some help in one area,” says Berger.
6. Using the words always and never
They may seem innocuous, but these words are dangerous in a
relationship, warns Carle. Why? Because the more you use them, the more your
partner becomes a character or ideal instead of an individual with flaws and
quirks who doesn’t always behave the way you assume he will. Being conscious of
when you use these words in neutral settings—”He never goes to the gym at
night” or “He always orders the buffalo wings here“—will make you less likely
to speak them in arguments, when comments like, “You never listen” can make the
difference between a squabble and a major fight.
relationship, warns Carle. Why? Because the more you use them, the more your
partner becomes a character or ideal instead of an individual with flaws and
quirks who doesn’t always behave the way you assume he will. Being conscious of
when you use these words in neutral settings—”He never goes to the gym at
night” or “He always orders the buffalo wings here“—will make you less likely
to speak them in arguments, when comments like, “You never listen” can make the
difference between a squabble and a major fight.
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