How I Lost My Virginity – LL Reader

Hey Ladun,

I am currently schooling in the UK and recently, I was no
longer a teenager. I comment on your blog anytime I am not really busy. I need
some advice. The past few weeks have been very rough on me. I have tried to put
stuff behind me but your recent post on the virginity debate just opened my
wounds.

A couple of weeks ago, I was invited to a beach party with a
couple of my friends but I was the only one who ended up going to it, which
meant that I was going to be alone at the party. I didn’t mind because my
course mates were going to be there as well. I was my usual self and ended up
getting drunk at the party. Normally, I drink when I am out with my friends
because I know at the end of the day I would get home safely. But this time
around, it was different. One of my so called “friends” took advantage of me
and I lost my virginity to him that night… on the beach. I know you would say
it is my fault because why was I drinking and blah. And I would agree with you
because I should not have been drinking. Click to continue.

It is just that I had worked so hard to keep my virginity,
you have no idea. I think I have said no to sex more times than to anything
else in my life. It is not that I don’t get horny or I don’t like sex. It is
just that I wanted to wait for that one special person to have sex with because
I would do anything for a man I will love and marry, and keeping my virginity
was going to be one of the things I would do for him.

Not having sex all this time was an epic battle and the fact
that I lost it in the end pains me so much. When I think about all I went
through to not lose it, I have to laugh.

I once had to climb out a window of a bar because I wanted
to run away from a guy. We were absolutely attracted to each other and I knew
that if I didn’t leave at the time I did, we would have ended up having sex
that night. I also stopped shaving my vajajay so that I would not have sex with
any guy. But that didn’t last long because I like looking well groomed down
there. I also remember once when a friend got me to his place after lectures to
get “notes” and I had to say no to him even though I was absolutely attracted
to him. The problem was that we were already half naked before I got back to my
senses. I have had guy friends come into my life and then leave because I don’t
“put out”. And then I also have those who kept begging me on a daily basis. I
had to break up with four of my boyfriends because of… guess what… sex! I try
to avoid guys because it seems like there is only one thing on their mind when
it comes to me.

The way I even lost my virginity pains me even more. I could
think of better scenarios than that. I have to also see this bastard every day
and pretend like nothing happened so that I don’t raise suspicion among my
friends. I am even paranoid because I know how guys talk to each other and I am
hoping no one else finds out.

I really don’t know where to go from here. I am distracted
from school work. I want this pain to go away so much but I don’t know what to
do. I am not suicidal (lol) but I just feel like my life is such a waste right
now.  I am so depressed. I have started
smoking weed and doing other sorts of dangerous behaviour in the past few weeks
to escape my reality but I have not had sex again, yet.

This weekend is really crucial for me because it will be the
first time I am going out again after the incident. My main goal for the
weekend is to get really fucked up because I feel so hopeless right now.

Please, ANY ADVICE?

P.S. I did not keep my virginity for religious purposes. I
just did it because that’s what I have always wanted.

Looking forward to hearing from you.