Filmmaker Jade Osiberu says many people end up marrying someone who doesn’t fit the picture they had in their heads when they were younger, and there’s nothing wrong with that. In fact, she says some of the healthiest marriages she knows are between people who didn’t marry their original “spec.”
According to her:
“I know a number of people who didn’t marry their “spec” but are in the healthiest marriages I know. Their spec was typically whatever was culturally deemed to be at the apex of the attractiveness pyramid when they were growing up. For a lot of guys in my generation, it was the music videos from the late 90s/early 2000s Hip & R&B music videos with ‘coke bottle figures’ and or light skinned eurocentric features. When it’s time to find a partner for the very serious endeavor of sharing a life with, that “spec” is simply inadequate as a measure of compatibility and that’s understandable.”
She says the real mistake is telling your husband or wife that they were never your “spec,” instead of admitting that your idea of a perfect partner simply wasn’t a good measure of who would make a great life partner.
In her words:
“The fo.olishness though is communicating it as though their partner somehow didn’t measure up to their “spec” instead of simply admitting that the idea of their spec was stup!d all along and a young boy’s lack of wisdom of what makes a good life partner.”
Jade says comments like that may sound harmless because they’re framed as honesty, but they can leave lasting emotional scars. She believes they create the impression that one person settled while the other is left feeling they were never quite enough.
She added:
“Communicating publicly or even privately to your partner that they weren’t your spec to begin with may seem harmless, after-all you’re just being honest. But subconsciously, it’s an ego trip for you who “settled” and for your the partner, it’s a chip they will always carry on their shoulder that to you, they aren’t quite enough. They’re missing something you had always longed for, so much so that you still consider it to be your “spec”. It’s an unnecessary and a cruel thing to say about somebody who is sharing a life with you. No matter how flowery you are with the compliments that come after. You’ve already kn0cked them down several pegs”
For her, physical preferences may change with time, but compatibility, respect and the ability to build a life together are what really matter in a marriage.
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Aproko Doctor messed up for that statement. One would have thought he knew better