Everyone Is Crazy In Lagos! Etcetera Writes

Few weeks ago, I got a call from a friend asking me out for
a drink, but I was already at the Lagos airport. “I’m not going to be around
for the next few days,” I told him. “I’m going to Abuja.” His immediate
reaction was – “Why? What’s wrong? Do you want to bore yourself to death?”
That’s the typical response I get whenever I tell someone I am travelling to
Abuja. Abuja is a beautiful city with a terrible reputation for boredom. I have
heard people in other cities speak of Lagos as a noisy, dirty and dangerous
city filled with crazy people. In truth, everyone in Lagos is crazy. What else
do you expect in a state crammed with 22 million people?

It must be a hell of a job for the governor and his
officials keeping everyone under law and order daily. Lagos has a peculiar vibe
that can’t be found anywhere in the world, so much that “Lagos Hustle” is a
commonly used phrase among Nigerians. I would rather go crazy living in Lagos
than be bored to death in Abuja, Ibadan or Enugu. Abuja leaves you chewing your
finger nails out of boredom. If you doubt me, whenever you have a visitor from
Abuja, check his/her finger nails. They are always short and well chewed. 

Even
the Hausa local nail trimmers have all migrated elsewhere due to the nail
scarcity. It is said that people in Lagos argue for at least two hours daily.
It is true; we love to generate arguments out of everything. We argue
everywhere, in buses and even during church services. 

Now Telemundo has become
a cause for more argument among the girls here. So why are they surprised that
we are crazy in this city? How many people can stay sane for long with the
screams of Telemundo girls and the wailing sirens of police and government
officials constantly beating their eardrums? Even the supposedly rugged Lagos
rats can’t bear it too, that’s why they are always scampering from one gutter
to another. If only we can understand what those rats would be saying to
themselves about the cars with wailing sirens and flashing blue lights which
have now become the city’s official ride for big boys. 

Don’t they know that it
is by far the easiest way to advertise their arrivals to all the criminals in
the city? Let’s add all the roaring vehicle engines, blaring horns, the
arguments of the association of free newspaper readers at every bus stop, the
street preachers with megaphones every morning, the open trucks filled with
dancing skimpy dressed models selling almost expired products, or the rickety
tortoise cars with dead PA system selling gbogbonise and the CD/DVD sellers
blasting latest naija vibes. Anybody expecting to find a sane person in Lagos
must be crazy indeed. 

It is like looking for a virgin in Nollywood. It is a
city with an official soundtrack emanating from millions of generators rumbling
constantly all through the day and night. But as crazy as it is in Lagos, I
love it. I love the fact that it is like the city is divided in two halves, for
non smokers and smokers. Or how can anyone explain to me why Apapa is always
covered in thick smoke? Call it trailer exhaust fumes or smoke from burning
tyres, what I know is that whenever I am passing through Apapa, it is as If I
have suddenly walked into the smokers section of a night club.

I love the fact that this city doesn’t discriminate. And
that all the money of the rich offers no protection from the most trying aspect
of life here. Aggression is imperative and timidity on the road is seized upon
by everyone even pedestrians.

When driving, you are caught up, over-taken and honked at
all at once. All drivers seem to be afflicted with honk sickness. You get in a
taxi late at night when there isn’t a single other car on the road, and the driver
is still blasting his horn at five seconds intervals for the entire journey. It
is even worse when the traffic is gridlocked. Ask the millions who experience
this bottleneck from the mainland to the commercial districts on the Island
daily.

A guy dropped his friend at Lagos airport to catch a flight
to South Africa. When he received his text message saying he had landed safely
at Joburg airport, he was still in traffic on the way back to Victoria Island.

We don’t have much of a tourist industry in Lagos at the
moment but thank God for Makoko, an extraordinary floating slum, where everyone
travels round in boats. It is our own version of Venice. Thanks to the
governor, the dividends of democracy can now be felt in some places in the
city. Let’s take the Ojota dump site for example, it has become symbolic of
everything that past governments have tried to achieve. What used to look at
first sight a rough, lawless, dangerous place has become a well-organised place
where good money is earned by local street boys who now prefer a life of grime
to a life of crime. Some of them are university graduates.

Lagos is a shining example of democracy. Even the area boys
and those scavengers on the streets for things to re-sell have their own
democratically elected chairmen, who sort out any arguments or disagreements.

Don’t you love the look of today’s Oshodi, especially when
you are standing on the bridge feeding your eyes with the wonderful mosaic of
human beings like a colourful artwork? The traders are constantly feeding
energy into the atmosphere with their hilarious but innovative marketing
methods, giving visitors from various parts of the world a first hand view of
how lucrative and conducive this city is for their businesses. But it is
imperative to have lots of patience and a good sense of humour to survive here.

Planning is crucial if you want to get things done. You must
make contingencies because most of the time things don’t go according to plan,
whether you are caught in argument or in traffic. For tourists, it is important
to note that there are no up-to-date visitors’ guide on sale anywhere. And the
few guidebooks available do not pretend to over-sell the city’s destinations.
But one thing you won’t need guidebook to notice are the mechanic workshops littered
all over the city. The good thing about this is that whenever you go hungry,
just walk into the nearest one and you are sure to find a mama-put
(restaurant).

Lagos is noisy, polluted, corrupt, lawless and ungovernable,
but beneath these stereotypes are some of the most hardworking, passionate and
big thinkers on earth. Thousands of people make their living by selling all
kinds of stuff in traffic jams: household provisions, mobile phones, electrical
appliances, wrist watches, books, clothes, popcorn, machetes, soup ingredients,
wheel chairs, rat poison, CDs, DVDs, pets, you can even buy a brand new car in
traffic. It is quite innovative and convenient because most Lagos residents
prefer to do their shopping on the go.

I love Lagos because this is the only city in the world
where you can leave home for work stark n*ked and be sure to buy everything you
want to wear in traffic. They’ve got ironing boards too in case you want your
clothes starched and properly ironed. Eko o ni baje oo.