Think you’re ready to be a parent? A tongue-in-cheek seven-step quiz may
make you think again. It consists of seven ‘tests’ for couples to perform
throughout the day before taking the plunge, and highlights the messy, smelly,
noisy realities of parenthood.
make you think again. It consists of seven ‘tests’ for couples to perform
throughout the day before taking the plunge, and highlights the messy, smelly,
noisy realities of parenthood.
Written by journalist and London-based mummy blogger Lucy Tobin, of Run
Out Of Womb, it is proving an internet sensation – not to mention an effective
form of contraception.
Out Of Womb, it is proving an internet sensation – not to mention an effective
form of contraception.
So, think you’re ready to bring a sprog into the world? Not until you can
perform each of these! Continue…
perform each of these! Continue…
Task 1. 10am: Put a just-fed, super-sleepy octopus in a crib. Attempt to
get all eight limbs into the small eight holes of an octopus sleeping bag,
without it waking up. When you fail, still try to get the eight flailing limbs
into the sleeping bag, whilst it screams, because it’s a new species of
screaming octopus.
get all eight limbs into the small eight holes of an octopus sleeping bag,
without it waking up. When you fail, still try to get the eight flailing limbs
into the sleeping bag, whilst it screams, because it’s a new species of
screaming octopus.
Focus a CCTV camera on your writhing, screaming octopus, then leave the
room, whilst tripping over Lego-shaped needles but holding in your swearing.
Spend a painful hour watching CCTV of your much-loved octopus screaming.
room, whilst tripping over Lego-shaped needles but holding in your swearing.
Spend a painful hour watching CCTV of your much-loved octopus screaming.
Then go and pick it up, and spend the rest of the day with your tired,
grumpy octopus that refuses to sleep.
grumpy octopus that refuses to sleep.
Task 2. 11am: Pick up 10kg of flour from the supermarket. Don’t put it
down for 12 hours. Whilst carrying it, continue normal tasks, including paying
for the rest of your shopping, smiling tightly when strangers poke your flour
and ask its gender, travelling home, and unpacking your shopping.
down for 12 hours. Whilst carrying it, continue normal tasks, including paying
for the rest of your shopping, smiling tightly when strangers poke your flour
and ask its gender, travelling home, and unpacking your shopping.
At two-hourly-intervals during your day, stick a pencil into the flour so
it leaks out everywhere, then wash the ensuing floor mess and your clothes,
re-package the flour, and carry on with the rest of your day, whilst never
putting down the flour.
it leaks out everywhere, then wash the ensuing floor mess and your clothes,
re-package the flour, and carry on with the rest of your day, whilst never
putting down the flour.
Task 3. 12pm: Wearing your best top, pour some water over both breast
regions and go out for the afternoon. Every hour, add a splat of smelly thick
white liquid to your top (a different area each time), and ask someone to yank
on it to create saggy parts.
regions and go out for the afternoon. Every hour, add a splat of smelly thick
white liquid to your top (a different area each time), and ask someone to yank
on it to create saggy parts.
Every meal time, ask your dining companion to throw colourful food at
you, ideally staining foods like beetroot. Tomorrow morning, you should gaze at
your ruined top and pull it on again, because it’s the cleanest thing in your
wardrobe.
you, ideally staining foods like beetroot. Tomorrow morning, you should gaze at
your ruined top and pull it on again, because it’s the cleanest thing in your
wardrobe.
Task 4. 1pm: Download an app that blares out hissing sounds and place it
next to a dozing time bomb. Try to shower, dry your hair, go to the loo, cook a
meal, clear up your house, get ready to go out and catch up on emails in the 23
seconds the time bomb stays silent. Fail, and try to do the rest of the tasks
whilst holding the timebomb to your nipple.
next to a dozing time bomb. Try to shower, dry your hair, go to the loo, cook a
meal, clear up your house, get ready to go out and catch up on emails in the 23
seconds the time bomb stays silent. Fail, and try to do the rest of the tasks
whilst holding the timebomb to your nipple.
Task 5. 2pm: Walk to your nearest tube station whilst pushing two heavy
suitcases full of necessities for the day, with your screaming octopus (from
earlier) strapped to your front in a Baby Bjorn.
suitcases full of necessities for the day, with your screaming octopus (from
earlier) strapped to your front in a Baby Bjorn.
Ideally do so on a rainy day, wearing an enormous raincoat that covers
you and the carrier, but which makes the octopus ANGRY.
you and the carrier, but which makes the octopus ANGRY.
Get to the station, stare forlornly at the 73 stairs to the platform, and
start beaming hopefully at passing commuters. After they all rush past you,
pick on one and ask for help. During your journey, add 10kg weights to the Baby
Bjorn every 10 minutes.
start beaming hopefully at passing commuters. After they all rush past you,
pick on one and ask for help. During your journey, add 10kg weights to the Baby
Bjorn every 10 minutes.
Task 6. 7pm: Put an alarm clock in a crib. Pat its snooze button for two
hours from 7pm so it stays hush. Enjoy an hour’s peace from 9pm til 10pm, when
you should settle into your cosy duvet.
hours from 7pm so it stays hush. Enjoy an hour’s peace from 9pm til 10pm, when
you should settle into your cosy duvet.
Now have it go off every hour, when you’ll need to hold on to it for 15
minutes, pat its snooze button again for 15 minutes, and then enjoy 30 minutes
‘rest’ (you’ll lie awake listening to its ticking) before it goes off again.
Have your alarm clock finally settle down at 6.30, half an hour before your
iPhone alarm will go off waking you for the day.
minutes, pat its snooze button again for 15 minutes, and then enjoy 30 minutes
‘rest’ (you’ll lie awake listening to its ticking) before it goes off again.
Have your alarm clock finally settle down at 6.30, half an hour before your
iPhone alarm will go off waking you for the day.
Task 7. Next day: Tell a friend about your day struggling with a
wriggling, screaming octopus, crazy sleep-depriving alarm clock, tempestuous
time bomb, heavy lugging-about flour, ruined clothing and travel desperation.
wriggling, screaming octopus, crazy sleep-depriving alarm clock, tempestuous
time bomb, heavy lugging-about flour, ruined clothing and travel desperation.
When they ask whether you ever regret putting yourself through such
trials, look at them as if they’re crazy. Because you love your wriggling,
screaming, sleep-depriving, heavy octopus/baby more than anything in the world
and already have nightmares about his/her wanting to leave home one day.
trials, look at them as if they’re crazy. Because you love your wriggling,
screaming, sleep-depriving, heavy octopus/baby more than anything in the world
and already have nightmares about his/her wanting to leave home one day.
Now you’re ready to be a parent…
Follow Us on Facebook – @LadunLiadi; Instagram – @LadunLiadi; Twitter – @LadunLiadi; Youtube – @LadunLiadiTV for updates
