Hi and welcome again to ‘Real
Issues with Oliseh’. The week
was hectic, coupled with a malfunctioning laptop; it was hard meeting up with
my write-up. Out of about 13 direct mails I got last week, 10 of them bordered
of infidelity in marriage. This week, I have decided to write on how we can
help ourselves to reduce the incidences of cheating from our marriages or
relationships. This is really for those who are committed to making their
marriage work.
Cheating in relationship is a now
common phenomenon. It has lots of consequences of which divorce is the extreme.
But research over time has proven that divorce can only bring an end to a
relationship but not the pain, disappointment and heart break it caused the
parties involved.
common phenomenon. It has lots of consequences of which divorce is the extreme.
But research over time has proven that divorce can only bring an end to a
relationship but not the pain, disappointment and heart break it caused the
parties involved.
Today, a lot of young people believe
that marriage is a solution to s*xual temptation but if you are already married,
you know the answer by now; marriage does not isolate you from ‘lustful
thinking and acts’. Married people are subject to s*xual pressure as much as
their singles counterparts. Please continue.
that marriage is a solution to s*xual temptation but if you are already married,
you know the answer by now; marriage does not isolate you from ‘lustful
thinking and acts’. Married people are subject to s*xual pressure as much as
their singles counterparts. Please continue.
S*xual pressure is normal because s*x
was created by God but for definite purposes and circumstances. It is only you
that will decide whether to fall or overcome s*xual temptation. It is like a
bird seeking where to perch and it’s your prerogative to allow it to rest on
your head or fly away.
was created by God but for definite purposes and circumstances. It is only you
that will decide whether to fall or overcome s*xual temptation. It is like a
bird seeking where to perch and it’s your prerogative to allow it to rest on
your head or fly away.
Speaking to some sets of young people
within the past week was really eye opening. Most people are under one type of
s*xual pressure or the other; whether young, old, ladies, guys, rich, poor,
even the religious and the not too religious. A particular young lady confessed
that she is barely resisting the urge just because of God’s grace. A young man
in his 30s recounted to me that he had at various times engaged in masturbation
(as a means of reliving the pressure) but had to stop because of guilty
conscience.
within the past week was really eye opening. Most people are under one type of
s*xual pressure or the other; whether young, old, ladies, guys, rich, poor,
even the religious and the not too religious. A particular young lady confessed
that she is barely resisting the urge just because of God’s grace. A young man
in his 30s recounted to me that he had at various times engaged in masturbation
(as a means of reliving the pressure) but had to stop because of guilty
conscience.
No matter what anyone thinks, our
generation and society is under serious s*xual pressure. The street, media,
music, films are now all about s*x. The irony is that we are all part of the
script. Our ladies now want to dress and be seen as s*x symbols. I believe that
most ladies do not know the effect of their s*xy dress on the men folk. Men are
attracted by ‘sight’ and women by ‘words’. That’s why a normal lady can be in
the same room with a naked man and she will feel nothing. But by just seeing
the upper chest of a lady, a volcano will erupt in a man waist. I am not in any
way justifying s*xual harassment of women by men under the flimsy excuse of
s*xual provocation. Self discipline is a vital tool in our fight to resist
s*xual temptation.
generation and society is under serious s*xual pressure. The street, media,
music, films are now all about s*x. The irony is that we are all part of the
script. Our ladies now want to dress and be seen as s*x symbols. I believe that
most ladies do not know the effect of their s*xy dress on the men folk. Men are
attracted by ‘sight’ and women by ‘words’. That’s why a normal lady can be in
the same room with a naked man and she will feel nothing. But by just seeing
the upper chest of a lady, a volcano will erupt in a man waist. I am not in any
way justifying s*xual harassment of women by men under the flimsy excuse of
s*xual provocation. Self discipline is a vital tool in our fight to resist
s*xual temptation.
Back to the issue of extra marital
affairs, I will like to point out some measures to help us avoid cheating on
our partners. Like I pointed out in one of my previous write –ups, affairs do not
happen in a day; everything starts with a seed, in our mind.
affairs, I will like to point out some measures to help us avoid cheating on
our partners. Like I pointed out in one of my previous write –ups, affairs do not
happen in a day; everything starts with a seed, in our mind.
A marriage counselor, Dr. Gary Chapman,
in an article, ‘Roots of Trouble’, noted that the “love euphoria (intense
excitement)” in a marriage dwindles after a while’. It is then when it is important
that we choose to love. Yes, love is a decision. If love is a decision, then remaining
faithful our partner is also a decision. Being faithful in marriage is an
intentional act of love and surrender. Love is more than a feeling; it’s an
act.
in an article, ‘Roots of Trouble’, noted that the “love euphoria (intense
excitement)” in a marriage dwindles after a while’. It is then when it is important
that we choose to love. Yes, love is a decision. If love is a decision, then remaining
faithful our partner is also a decision. Being faithful in marriage is an
intentional act of love and surrender. Love is more than a feeling; it’s an
act.
I’m assuming that we do not need
reminders on why adultery is not healthy but for those who really have not
pondered on it; here are some of the reasons: Cheating on your spouse is going
to cause your family to break. Even if your spouse decides to forgive, you will
cause them to go through much emotional trauma and bad memories. It t will
takes them almost a lifetime for them to trust you again. That is a heavy
price.
reminders on why adultery is not healthy but for those who really have not
pondered on it; here are some of the reasons: Cheating on your spouse is going
to cause your family to break. Even if your spouse decides to forgive, you will
cause them to go through much emotional trauma and bad memories. It t will
takes them almost a lifetime for them to trust you again. That is a heavy
price.
Let’s take
this further by looking at seven steps of caution in avoiding extra-marital relationships
this further by looking at seven steps of caution in avoiding extra-marital relationships
1. Beware of False Attractions:
Most of the time, it starts by meeting
someone with whom you share a common interest and attraction with. Love,
affection or infatuation thrives with closeness. This seems to be the first
seeds being sown. Is it wrong to socialize? No, not unless you then begin to
water those seeds. If you are truthful with your emotion, this is the time to
‘run’.
someone with whom you share a common interest and attraction with. Love,
affection or infatuation thrives with closeness. This seems to be the first
seeds being sown. Is it wrong to socialize? No, not unless you then begin to
water those seeds. If you are truthful with your emotion, this is the time to
‘run’.
2. Stop Comparing your Partner
There is nothing wrong with appreciating
another lady/man but it can become troubled water when you begin to compare the
other person with your partner. God has designed everyone uniquely and to be
discontent and compare your partner with someone else is to open a big door for
the undue temptation to enter into your married life. Like they say, ‘the grass
is always greener at the other side’. We always seem to see something to like
on the outside. But the picture will get clearer when they get in. Appreciate
what you have.
another lady/man but it can become troubled water when you begin to compare the
other person with your partner. God has designed everyone uniquely and to be
discontent and compare your partner with someone else is to open a big door for
the undue temptation to enter into your married life. Like they say, ‘the grass
is always greener at the other side’. We always seem to see something to like
on the outside. But the picture will get clearer when they get in. Appreciate
what you have.
3. Beware of the Danger Zones:
Many of these wrong relationships brew
in the work or social places when there is plenty of time to catch up. And the
time that has to be invested between a husband and wife relationship is then
invested to a third person bringing more emotional bonding. Then, feeling
begins to lie to you about how the other person cares more than your partner.
When you find such an opportunity, then that should be an opportunity to shut
that door. Learn and try to spend quality time with your spouse. It is a worthy
investment!
in the work or social places when there is plenty of time to catch up. And the
time that has to be invested between a husband and wife relationship is then
invested to a third person bringing more emotional bonding. Then, feeling
begins to lie to you about how the other person cares more than your partner.
When you find such an opportunity, then that should be an opportunity to shut
that door. Learn and try to spend quality time with your spouse. It is a worthy
investment!
4. Is that Feeling Real?
Subtle admirations can easily become
false feelings that begin to develop in your heart. The deceptive spirits wants
you to believe that it is love. Don’t fall for those feelings because they
don’t last. It is not love but lust which is taking over your emotional faculty.
Now is the time to run and disconnect from that person. It might not make sense
to you or the other person but it will sure help protect your marriage.
false feelings that begin to develop in your heart. The deceptive spirits wants
you to believe that it is love. Don’t fall for those feelings because they
don’t last. It is not love but lust which is taking over your emotional faculty.
Now is the time to run and disconnect from that person. It might not make sense
to you or the other person but it will sure help protect your marriage.
5. Beware of False Words:
You may hear what you have never heard
from your spouse before in form of praises, flattering compliments and
assurances. Women are more susceptible to this trend. Most times, they are lies meant to confuse and
distract you. Don’t listen to the lie that ‘I will be there for you’. BEWARE!
Don’t let sweet notes or special gifts sway your heart.
from your spouse before in form of praises, flattering compliments and
assurances. Women are more susceptible to this trend. Most times, they are lies meant to confuse and
distract you. Don’t listen to the lie that ‘I will be there for you’. BEWARE!
Don’t let sweet notes or special gifts sway your heart.
6. Beware of Secrets:
Sin breeds faster in private. The
thought that no one is going to catch or know is the greatest fuel that pushes
people to try stupid things that they will regret later in life. And to
facilitate that, you begin to let lies into the relationship take every bit of
credibility and now your heart begins to become numb to the affection and the
reality of your marriage. Pursue 100% transparency in your marriage. If you
missed the mark don’t be afraid to confess and recommit. Deceit and cover-ups
are just steps away from losing your marriage to foolishness. Remember, in
meeting in secret, the lines are easier to cross.
thought that no one is going to catch or know is the greatest fuel that pushes
people to try stupid things that they will regret later in life. And to
facilitate that, you begin to let lies into the relationship take every bit of
credibility and now your heart begins to become numb to the affection and the
reality of your marriage. Pursue 100% transparency in your marriage. If you
missed the mark don’t be afraid to confess and recommit. Deceit and cover-ups
are just steps away from losing your marriage to foolishness. Remember, in
meeting in secret, the lines are easier to cross.
7. Beware of the False Touch:
Lingering handshakes to harmless winks
are all parts of this deception. They can easily arouse your emotions to make
you feel all the more special. The touches and brushes may feel like lighting a
flame inside you but also remember that fire is not natural and therefore will
burn down everything around you too, including your marriage.
are all parts of this deception. They can easily arouse your emotions to make
you feel all the more special. The touches and brushes may feel like lighting a
flame inside you but also remember that fire is not natural and therefore will
burn down everything around you too, including your marriage.
To the Singles:
A random
survey among singles shows the major requirement among singles for marriage is
‘I want a spouse who loves me’. That’s not bad, but there is a quality higher
and more important than love. It is called ‘Fear of God’
survey among singles shows the major requirement among singles for marriage is
‘I want a spouse who loves me’. That’s not bad, but there is a quality higher
and more important than love. It is called ‘Fear of God’
It is fear
of God that will restrain me from sleeping with that lady. I can have girl
friends and still love my spouse. It is only fear of God that will compel me to
be the best partner even though I may not fell like. Love is good but fear of
God is better. I cannot love my spouse more than I love God.
of God that will restrain me from sleeping with that lady. I can have girl
friends and still love my spouse. It is only fear of God that will compel me to
be the best partner even though I may not fell like. Love is good but fear of
God is better. I cannot love my spouse more than I love God.
So I ask
you; does he or she that you want to marry love God?
you; does he or she that you want to marry love God?
Next: how to
handle a cheating partner.
handle a cheating partner.
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